Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A Lion is after me.

What would you do if you turned around and there was a lion roaring in your face?  
I mean, you're not at a zoo....there is no cage, and he is getting ready to have his dinner.

You, being the main course.

Honestly.  Think about it.  Wouldn't you be scared?  Would you ever want to go back to that "place", wherever that may have happened?

Well, here is my thought on life today, and what I need help with.  I'm hoping when I share my heart in some of these aspects some of you may comment to help, or admit you understand.  Please feel free to share, I'd love to hear from you.

The fact is, there IS a Lion.  Right Behind You (and me)!
1 Peter 5:8  
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

I'm going to be completely honest.  I don't even know who's all out there, but I don't really have another to bear my soul to, so it's you, blog readers.
I have too many places where this roaring lion searches out for me.  So it really makes it hard for me to want to go back to those places.  What am I to do?  Where am I to turn?   The devil knows my weaknesses, and I don't know how to get him to stop throwing them in my face.

Not to say there's only one.  But my biggest weakness is......hmmm......I'm dumbfounded as I type because more than one word is going through my head.  Let's say, lack of control.  I'm not a 'big life' planner...I mean, I plan events, and things for the here and now, and enjoy organizing that kind of stuff.  But I've never really planned out my life, long term.  Except for one thing.  I wanted to get married and have kids.  Right away.  And really, who doesn't expect that to happen?  Isn't that the normal occurrence of life?

But it didn't happen, right away.  And it didn't happen how I dreamed/thought it would happen.  (Am I thankful for my children.  By all means!  I love them, and would never take it back.)  But the longing for something that hasn't been, and feels like it will never be, is unbearable.  And I think, it's all about the lack of control.  I didn't get to choose, when I would have kids, or how they would come to me.  And for most people it's a given.  They are just going to have a baby, and most likely whenever they want, (or so it seems to those of us) i.e. try for it, and it happens the first time or even sooner then they planned.  Either way, for most people it's a joy, no matter the timing.  But that's the struggle for me.

Because everywhere I go, the lion is roaring at me, taunting me.....

"Ha, ha....look around you, most everyone else in this room has what you want, EXCEPT YOU!"

"Look over there, look how happy that mom is with their new baby, look, look, look.....now look at your arms, and how they've been empty from a baby for 9 years."  

"Your dream is dead, you can never go back in time and get what you wanted."


That's a kicker....I DON'T WANT MY DREAM TO DIE!  PLEASE.  It's not even that complicated of a dream or desire.  It's a natural tendency that happens to people (other people) every day.
To bear a child.

Now tell me, how do I fight back from that?

I feel like I drowning by this pressure, and no one knows.  How can you pull me up from drowning when you don't know I'm drowning? Right?  Well, now I'm telling you, I'm drowning here!  Help me!

I know my problem.  It's the fixing it part, that I'm struggling with.



aboveallshadows said...

My personality desires to fix things, to make things better, to encourage with hope. I also struggle with submission, dependence, and godly acceptance & contentment. Lack of control. So I have to admit that I cannot really help you, I can only pray that God will be faithful to complete His good work in you. I wrestle with the tension of honestly grieving and having hope in the promises of scripture. I also have one miraculous daughter, unplanned, undeserved, so I can't share all of your sorrow. But for now I am in the same boat as you. I battle jealousy and envy and bitterness toward God and other people who get to bear children and nurse newborns - and then complain about it. :/ Like Job, I endure and endure, and accuse God of being silent. ...I could share much much more. Want to have coffee sometime? Email is fine too - I think you have mine. :) ~Reagan~

Alicia Stokes said...

Hey Steph, not sure exactly how to express all either. Simply I want you to know that I am praying for you and actually have been since last year during a coop class time you shared. there I was large and pregnant with my fourth child and you shared your struggles and a little bit of your heart. You have been on my heart often and that's not the Lions direction that's our LORD! I do understand some the lack of control and I won't go into it now but no a sister cares and is here if you need prayer or an outlet to talk or be or sip coffee!

Kelly said...

I applaud you for seeking help. I don't know you very well, but needed to respond. I cannot read something like this and leave it with no response. I do NOT know your pain. I will never experience what you are experiencing. I will say that God did not give me my children when I thought I would have them. It took 2.5 years to get pregnant with our second for no apparent reason. God is in control of our lives no matter how much we think it's us steering the boat. I hope you never give up on your dream. I pray that God can give you peace and comfort no matter what. God is using you in AMAZING ways Stephanie. I know it may not be what you want, but you are providing an INCREDIBLE gift to the children that are yours now and to the foster children that you are able to care for, regardless of the length of time. I pray the devil will see that you are STRONG. But, it's okay to want and desire and be sad. Lay it at the feet of the Lord. He is with you at all times and will carry you through anything. I don't have answers, but I'm always willing to listen. I will pray for you. The Lord loves you.
Kelly Gentz

A cousin said...

Hi Stephanie,

Thank you for being brave enough to share. I'm so sorry for the pain that causes you & sincerely couldn't think of a better person that God should bless & entrust with a baby of your own. I pray that will happen for you.

Each and every person has a struggle that we could call a lion. For myself, I didn't have not do I have the wonderful family connection that you have all because your Mother was not depressed. You were able to learn things from your family. My parents were both depressed & had anxiety & PTSD . I've had to come along ways. My lion would be all the disappointment of not having happy parents that really loved each other & that others loved so that I could feel fully lovable. My parents were preoccupied with their problems. I have done my best not to be like that.
My past gave me hang ups that I must deal with & learn from so that I do not have disconnects.

Anyways, you are very blessed to have sisters & extended family there that you can count on & that have likely never made you wonder of your value.

In no way am I trying to discount your pain. I just wanted to comment & let you know your not alone. We all have something we deeply long for & feel that we can not have nor can we always change it.

Kerry Willberg

Julie said...

Stephanie - My heart goes out to you in your time of need! The words that I want to say or that I wish I could say to make the pain go away aren't there, but after reading your post I couldn't leave without post anything. You are a true inspiration to so many, your honesty & faithfulness has been an inspiration to me since getting to know you on Steering Team last year. I know MOPS was hard for you- to constantly see the new moms & babies - so I know that coming to MOPS on Tuesday was a source of hurting & one of those places that you don't want to go back to. So THANK YOU for coming & facing that hurt once again. I don't know your pain, & I never will - but please know that I'm praying for you! Praying for your comfort & peace. Our God is a God of Miracles & His plan is not always ours or not how we have it planned. I do also struggle with lack of control & knowing what the plan is; so I can relate in that way. God has a beautiful plan for you & some of it is already being carried out in the amazing work you are doing as a mother to your boys & all the foster children! Prayers & Hugs to you!! Julie

Glorianne said...

Thanks for praying with me tonight and for this blog giving insight into your struggles. At low times in my life I have turned to the Psalms. I love how David pours his heart out before the Lord - even questions the Lord as to why is this happening to me? He comes full circle to praising God in the midst of trials for being His Rock, Fortress, Shield, and Deliverer. I would love to chat more and hear about your journey.

You might also like these posts.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...