Friday, March 6, 2015

March 6th....a fading etch.

July 2004 we found out we were expecting for the first time.  Right away the dr said baby would be due March 6th... I etched that date in my mind totally excited that our first child was expected to come EXACTLY in the middle of my husband and my birthdays. His is March 1st mine is March 12th. March 6th. What a perfect day it would be. 

A few weeks later in August we went to hear the baby's heart beat, only it could not be found. Our sweet expectation turned to sorrow. And the etched excitement of March 6th turned into dread. I didn't want March 6th to come.  For the next couple years I would mark baby's birthday on the calendar. We moved states the next year and that possibly made it harder to deal with. No one who was around me currently was around during the most painful time of my life.  To explain your pain to someone is not the same as them being there while you go through the pain. 

I sit here looking at the calendar realizing today is March 6th. Somewhere between then and now God has done a marvelous work in me. I do not dread March 6th. I am not angry anymore. Believe me this took a long time. But now I trust in my Savior more than ever before. 
The etch of excitement turned to dread, but after much time God allowed that etch to fade as I focused on Him and His agenda for my life over my own agenda. 

What things have etched fear or dread or anxiety in your mind?

Give it to God and let him help fade the etch mark. 


Monday, January 19, 2015

Personal Acknowledgement

I do not have it all together.  I am not perfect.  I am not bullet proof.

I am a human.  I make mistakes.  I try hard.  I fall sometimes.  I feel weak and insignificant at points.  I feel like sometimes I'm screwing it up.  Maybe I could have been a better example or teacher.  Sometimes I feel as though I'm doing it all wrong.  Sometimes I break down and cry.  Sometimes I feel all alone.

Ten days ago I lost a piece of my heart.
The baby God brought into our lives, God removed from our lives.

We do foster care you say, this is to be expected.  Foster kids aren't really "yours", you say.  And yes people do tell me these things.  Well, the kids you birth aren't yours either.  All children belong to God. He's the one who brings them to us, and He's the one who allows us to care for them as their parents.

Maybe this is something we knew was possibly going to happen at any moment or day.
-Does that make it less significant as a loss?
Maybe this is something we could foresee and should be prepared for.
-Does that make it less painful of a loss?

I feel just a bit as though there are some people who do not count this as a real loss and that is almost more painful for me.  Lack of acknowledgement.

When my dad died people came from everywhere to be supportive.  Meals, cards, just being there to sit, chat listen, cry with us.  Acknowledge that we were going through a sad time.  Whether or not they have been through that same circumstance.  Whether or not they have ever lost a close loved one of their own.  I will never forget someone whom I didn't even know had heard about my dads passing and all they did, was drive to the funeral home and sit there for one hour.  And it meant the world to me.  Because they took time out and acknowledged my family's loss.  They personally came to support.  On the other hand I will also never forget someone who was very close friends with me all my childhood, and how 'they' talked to me a couple times after the fact with never acknowledging my dad's passing.

Acknowledgement.  Personal acknowledgement.

I know we live in a social media age, but that doesn't mean that is the only form of connection or communication.  Personal, as in real life, acknowledgement goes much further than social media acknowledgement.

What can I learn from this?  How can I better myself through this life lesson?

This is my thoughts and what I think we should take away from this experience...

Do you know what is going on with the people around you?  Have you hugged them?  And I mean a long, deep, I'm here for you and want to acknowledge any pain kind of hug.  What do they need? How can you help them?  Don't ask them what they need.  I repeat, do NOT ask them what you can do for them.  Do NOT ask them to tell you when they need something.  Just DO SOMETHING! There are some times when it is NOT the thought that counts.  The pain of loss is one of those times. There are things that every person uses.  Food/groceries, precooked meals, money/gift cards, toilet paper.....  You're a person, what do you use every day?  Send them that!  No matter how practical it seems, and without them having to ask for it.  This is true personal acknowledgement.
This could be life changing.  For you and them.

Don't underestimate the power of even the smallest gesture/action.


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Saying Goodbye hurts

Today I must mourn the loss of my baby.

November 22, 2013 we welcomed a 2 month old foster baby into our house, for seemingly 1 week. Right before Thanksgiving. We ended up celebrating with him as he turned 3 months, 4 months, 5 months.....and ONE YEAR old!  We celebrated through two Thanksgivings, and Two Christmas'. He has brought our family so much joy, love, growth and bonding.  
Friday, January 9, 2015, we are forced to say goodbye.  Even though we know not to expect anything, and should always be prepared for them to move back, we are not ready.  When are you ever ready to let go of someone you love?

The greater the love, the greater the loss.

I have loved on this child with all my heart, therefore I am filled with deep sorrow.

Job 1:21b.... The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;  blessed be the name of the Lord.


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