What would you do if you turned around and there was a lion roaring in your face?
I mean, you're not at a zoo....there is no cage, and he is getting ready to have his dinner.
You, being the main course.
Honestly. Think about it. Wouldn't you be scared? Would you ever want to go back to that "place", wherever that may have happened?
Well, here is my thought on life today, and what I need help with. I'm hoping when I share my heart in some of these aspects some of you may comment to help, or admit you understand. Please feel free to share, I'd love to hear from you.
The fact is, there IS a Lion. Right Behind You (and me)!
1 Peter 5:8
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
I'm going to be completely honest. I don't even know who's all out there, but I don't really have another to bear my soul to, so it's you, blog readers.
I have too many places where this roaring lion searches out for me. So it really makes it hard for me to want to go back to those places. What am I to do? Where am I to turn? The devil knows my weaknesses, and I don't know how to get him to stop throwing them in my face.
Not to say there's only one. But my biggest weakness is......hmmm......I'm dumbfounded as I type because more than one word is going through my head. Let's say, lack of control. I'm not a 'big life' planner...I mean, I plan events, and things for the here and now, and enjoy organizing that kind of stuff. But I've never really planned out my life, long term. Except for one thing. I wanted to get married and have kids. Right away. And really, who doesn't expect that to happen? Isn't that the normal occurrence of life?
But it didn't happen, right away. And it didn't happen how I dreamed/thought it would happen. (Am I thankful for my children. By all means! I love them, and would never take it back.) But the longing for something that hasn't been, and feels like it will never be, is unbearable. And I think, it's all about the
lack of control. I didn't get to choose, when I would have kids, or how they would come to me. And for most people it's a given. They are just going to have a baby, and most likely whenever they want, (or so it seems to those of us) i.e. try for it, and it happens the first time or even sooner then they planned. Either way, for most people it's a joy, no matter the timing. But that's the struggle for me.
Because everywhere I go, the lion is roaring at me, taunting me.....
"Ha, ha....look around you, most everyone else in this room has what you want, EXCEPT YOU!"
"Look over there, look how happy that mom is with their new baby, look, look, look.....now look at your arms, and how they've been empty from a baby for 9 years."
"Your dream is dead, you can never go back in time and get what you wanted."
________________________________________
That's a kicker....I DON'T WANT MY DREAM TO DIE! PLEASE. It's not even that complicated of a dream or desire. It's a natural tendency that happens to people (other people) every day.
To bear a child.
Now tell me, how do I fight back from that?
I feel like I drowning by this pressure, and no one knows. How can you pull me up from drowning when you don't know I'm drowning? Right? Well, now I'm telling you, I'm drowning here! Help me!
I know my problem. It's the fixing it part, that I'm struggling with.